26
Jul
13

Everything I Ever Hated About Driving in NYC, Encapsulated by a Single Jackass

So I had to go fetch the kidlets from my parent’s house on Long Island (also accepted: Strong Island or Lawng Islawnd) and ended up, as I almost always do, rolling back to New Jersey during commuter time.

Two of my normal “avoid Manhattan at all costs” routes were solid red on the Google Map app, so I chose to follow its instructions into the city.

You can pick my car out by the smoke coming out of my ears and the windows – image via EarthIsland.org

When we lived in Queens, I hated driving. I mean, loathed it on a level I can’t really express. “Hated with the white hot fire of a billion supernovas” doesn’t quite touch it.

There’s a lot I loved about living there. The trains, the array of food and cultures. But aside from concerns about public schools, driving is by far the thing I miss least about the place.

I could describe all the things I hate about traversing NYC in a motorized vehicle, but instead I will tell you this story. You pick out what parts annoy me the most if you can.

Traffic was awful. Worse, Google Maps took me a way I never go and it never suggests. I should have known this would end badly and just went the way I normally go and I’ll never know why I didn’t.

Suffice to say, it was the first of several bad calls on my part.

We ended up on Canal Street in massive traffic. It was multiple lanes of “never going to move more than a foot at a time” madness. There was a lot of gridlock, so much so that Alpha Tween said “Isn’t that supposed to be illegal? Don’t they care?”

To which I reply, no. It’s New York City. They don’t give a rats ass unless a cop is there.

So we get to… you know what I don’t even know where we were. It’s a blur. All I know is, we were in the right lane, not making progress but at the time, relatively OK with that. Aside from Alpha needing a bathroom (BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES) we weren’t in a hurry.

So we had moved another 3 and a half inches and then stopped, when the guy in front of me gets out of his car. He’s on the phone and I figured maybe he’s trying to get a bead on exactly where he is so someone can navigate him out of there.

No, he flat out leaves his car and walks down the street. Still on his phone. To look at sunglasses.

The glasses weren’t even THIS cool – image via wisegeek.com

Seriously. He just said to himself, “You know what? Fuck it. I need some new shades.” Then got out of the car and left it there on the side of the road.

Which, if you drive in NYC, you know is just something we called “normal.”

But hang on, because it gets better.

Slappy is down the block looking at glasses so of course the damned traffic starts moving. In fact it moves a lot. So much so that had

jackass been in his car we would have moved a block. I’d go around the idiot’s car but nobody will let me because New York City Drivers.

When Slappy finally sees the traffic move, what do you think he does? Run back to his car when he realizes he’s holding up an entire lane of traffic?

Hell no.

He wanders back – you could call it a saunter – finishes his phone call, then gets in his car.

By now the light is red. So he pulls forward again, stopping ironically right next to the sunglasses place.

At that point, the vendor runs to the car and leans into the window. The boys and I are actually impressed by this – entrepreneurship at it’s finest.

You’d think Slappy would want to do it quickly because of course he’s already held up traffic once. But no, the idiot hands the vendor a $20 bill. And waits for change.

And of course the light goes green again.

image captured from the movie Big Trouble in Little China and is NOT a self potrait

image captured from the movie Big Trouble in Little China and is NOT a self potrait

Yes, again, we’re stuck behind this moron as he continues his transaction as if we’re not there. And once again I can’t get over to another lane because Screw you.

This time though, as much as because it’s the only way I can blow off steam as it is because I have a delusion it will work, I blow my horn. As do the dozen cars behind me.

You know what this idiot does?

THROWS ON HIS FREAKING HAZARDS.

Yes, in case I didn’t realize he wasn’t going anywhere, Asshat McGee thought some blinkers might let us know he’s in the middle of something vital.

Finally the vendor’s helper brings change back – to their credit they both look back at the cars with a “sorry” facial expression – then the light turns red and the driver FINALLY moves his car.

But wait.

That’s NOT all.

The frakking moron turns on his left indicator.

Now, recall we’re in the far right lane. There are three, maybe four lanes of traffic between him and the left side if the road.

“What’s he doing?” inquires Alpha.

It’s a pretty freaking good question.

I figure, the guy must need to get over and is just starting the process now.

BUT NO. This guy – after having screwed over everyone behind him – has decided to somehow force his way into a left turn across multiple lanes of heavy traffic.

An incredulous traffic cop showed up and after a moments discussion – where the cop just looked flabbergasted and I could only imagine this fuckwit in front of me was all like “Well, I HAD to get these kicking new shades, but I really need to make this left turn” – the cop actually stops oncoming traffic AND all the lanes going our way so this waste of space can make his left.

I swear to God this is all true. NONE OF IT is hyperbole. This happened exactly like this.

But hey, how could it be the moron’s fault? Really, why didn’t I know the world revolved around his dumb ass? I mean, we should all stop

image via JasperFForde.com

at any time so he can overpay for some cheap sunglasses he could get in a freaking CVS for half the price. It’s part of being the center of the universe, right?

Hell, I’m the idjit who drove into the city in the first place.

I probably deserved what I got.

On the plus side, the boys decided that we would be better off with either jet boots or a hover car and are going to build either/or.

So I got that (and a Guinness) going for me, which is nice.

Hey, are you following Dad Moon Rising on Twitter or Facebook? Why the hell not?

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