Archive for the 'Random Randomness' Category


Everything I Ever Hated About Driving in NYC, Encapsulated by a Single Jackass

So I had to go fetch the kidlets from my parent’s house on Long Island (also accepted: Strong Island or Lawng Islawnd) and ended up, as I almost always do, rolling back to New Jersey during commuter time.

Two of my normal “avoid Manhattan at all costs” routes were solid red on the Google Map app, so I chose to follow its instructions into the city.

You can pick my car out by the smoke coming out of my ears and the windows – image via

When we lived in Queens, I hated driving. I mean, loathed it on a level I can’t really express. “Hated with the white hot fire of a billion supernovas” doesn’t quite touch it.

There’s a lot I loved about living there. The trains, the array of food and cultures. But aside from concerns about public schools, driving is by far the thing I miss least about the place.

I could describe all the things I hate about traversing NYC in a motorized vehicle, but instead I will tell you this story. You pick out what parts annoy me the most if you can.

Traffic was awful. Worse, Google Maps took me a way I never go and it never suggests. I should have known this would end badly and just went the way I normally go and I’ll never know why I didn’t.

Suffice to say, it was the first of several bad calls on my part.

We ended up on Canal Street in massive traffic. It was multiple lanes of “never going to move more than a foot at a time” madness. There was a lot of gridlock, so much so that Alpha Tween said “Isn’t that supposed to be illegal? Don’t they care?”

To which I reply, no. It’s New York City. They don’t give a rats ass unless a cop is there.

So we get to… you know what I don’t even know where we were. It’s a blur. All I know is, we were in the right lane, not making progress but at the time, relatively OK with that. Aside from Alpha needing a bathroom (BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES) we weren’t in a hurry.

So we had moved another 3 and a half inches and then stopped, when the guy in front of me gets out of his car. He’s on the phone and I figured maybe he’s trying to get a bead on exactly where he is so someone can navigate him out of there.

No, he flat out leaves his car and walks down the street. Still on his phone. To look at sunglasses.

The glasses weren’t even THIS cool – image via

Seriously. He just said to himself, “You know what? Fuck it. I need some new shades.” Then got out of the car and left it there on the side of the road.

Which, if you drive in NYC, you know is just something we called “normal.”

But hang on, because it gets better.

Slappy is down the block looking at glasses so of course the damned traffic starts moving. In fact it moves a lot. So much so that had

jackass been in his car we would have moved a block. I’d go around the idiot’s car but nobody will let me because New York City Drivers.

When Slappy finally sees the traffic move, what do you think he does? Run back to his car when he realizes he’s holding up an entire lane of traffic?

Hell no.

He wanders back – you could call it a saunter – finishes his phone call, then gets in his car.

By now the light is red. So he pulls forward again, stopping ironically right next to the sunglasses place.

At that point, the vendor runs to the car and leans into the window. The boys and I are actually impressed by this – entrepreneurship at it’s finest.

You’d think Slappy would want to do it quickly because of course he’s already held up traffic once. But no, the idiot hands the vendor a $20 bill. And waits for change.

And of course the light goes green again.

image captured from the movie Big Trouble in Little China and is NOT a self potrait

image captured from the movie Big Trouble in Little China and is NOT a self potrait

Yes, again, we’re stuck behind this moron as he continues his transaction as if we’re not there. And once again I can’t get over to another lane because Screw you.

This time though, as much as because it’s the only way I can blow off steam as it is because I have a delusion it will work, I blow my horn. As do the dozen cars behind me.

You know what this idiot does?


Yes, in case I didn’t realize he wasn’t going anywhere, Asshat McGee thought some blinkers might let us know he’s in the middle of something vital.

Finally the vendor’s helper brings change back – to their credit they both look back at the cars with a “sorry” facial expression – then the light turns red and the driver FINALLY moves his car.

But wait.

That’s NOT all.

The frakking moron turns on his left indicator.

Now, recall we’re in the far right lane. There are three, maybe four lanes of traffic between him and the left side if the road.

“What’s he doing?” inquires Alpha.

It’s a pretty freaking good question.

I figure, the guy must need to get over and is just starting the process now.

BUT NO. This guy – after having screwed over everyone behind him – has decided to somehow force his way into a left turn across multiple lanes of heavy traffic.

An incredulous traffic cop showed up and after a moments discussion – where the cop just looked flabbergasted and I could only imagine this fuckwit in front of me was all like “Well, I HAD to get these kicking new shades, but I really need to make this left turn” – the cop actually stops oncoming traffic AND all the lanes going our way so this waste of space can make his left.

I swear to God this is all true. NONE OF IT is hyperbole. This happened exactly like this.

But hey, how could it be the moron’s fault? Really, why didn’t I know the world revolved around his dumb ass? I mean, we should all stop

image via

at any time so he can overpay for some cheap sunglasses he could get in a freaking CVS for half the price. It’s part of being the center of the universe, right?

Hell, I’m the idjit who drove into the city in the first place.

I probably deserved what I got.

On the plus side, the boys decided that we would be better off with either jet boots or a hover car and are going to build either/or.

So I got that (and a Guinness) going for me, which is nice.

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My New Life’s Ambition Involves Zombies

I have a lot of ambition.

Some of it has been realized—attending and covering the Senior Bowl in Mobile, Alabama and covering the NFL Draft live at Radio City Music Hall. I’ve done both for about five years now.

Some of it has not—I want to cover the Super Bowl, I want to publish a book and I want to sky dive.

I’ll get to them at some point of course.

I have a new ambition now, one which may not be easy, but I’m putting it out into the universe anyway.

My newest ambition is to to get on The Talking Dead.

image via AMC

For those of you unfamiliar, The Talking Dead is a talk show, hosted by Chris Hardwick of Nerdist fame, which airs right after each episode of The Walking Dead, the awesome zombie television show on AMC.

You might also recognize his voice from Back to the Barnyard.

Basically, the show gathers Hardwick and three other people (sometimes cast members, sometimes celebrity fans) who then talk about the show in general as well as the episode we just saw.

Man, I so need to be on this show.

I would be an awesome guest. I know the show and comic backwards and forwards. I’m funny (RIGHT?) and well spoken.

I’m even semi-famous thanks to the videos I do at Bleacher Report.

I’ve got it all!

Hey, I even have a post planned for sometime in the next few weeks (one of the Pops in Pop Culture pieces) about Rick Grimes as a dad.

Honestly, there’s no harder job than parenting during the apocalypse. You can’t even fob them off on the public school system to get a break from the little monsters.

Yeah, I’ve got takes for days about this show.

So there it is. I’m not sure how to make it happen yet, but it will happen.

Then I just have to get the kids on The Walking Dead itself as zombies and all will be well.

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Sometimes Social Media is for Something Other Than Bitching Loudly

I tend to see a lot of frustration on social media these days—trial verdicts and steroids in sports and random, bad things happening. Social Media—chiefly Twitter and Facebook of course—is the place where you go to yell.


And for long stretches of time.

image via

Why not? A lot of the time it’s an echo chamber—the people you follow and who follow you often believe (and get cheesed off by) the same stuff. It can be a little different for me at times because I’m in sports media, so that particular feed doesn’t get as much politics and whatnot in it because nobody is paying me to spout off about that stuff.

I will admit I do nerd it up on there at times though and others pay the price.

Still, my Facebook page has been filled with various bits of outrage for the last few weeks and I’ll be honest—it was getting to the point that I really couldn’t take it anymore. I mean, I get it, I’m outraged about a lot as well, but man it gets to be hard when every post is filled with anger and—often—vitriol.

On either end of the political spectrum by the way. Thanks media—you’ve taught us that screaming opinions and not listening is the way to go!

Yesterday though, the very first thing I saw on social media—Facebook to be exact—was a picture of an old college friend standing with his newborn baby boy. The kid was already smiling, which makes sense because his dad is awesome.

Social media is for a lot of different things. Sometimes we forget it can be a reminder life isn’t all anger and frustration.

So next time you’re looking at Facebook or Twitter and getting frustrated, do a search of your friends and followers. Look for the pictures they post and the updates they have which share their joy rather than their frustration.

And then go ahead and post some of your own. Go take a stupid picture of the cat. Find something dumb but adorable your kid says. Take a picture of a pint of beer and label it “IT’S DRINK O’CLOCK SOMEWHERE!”

If you can’t find the fun and joy in your feed, make the fun and joy in your feed.

And in that vein, here is an awesome picture of a T-Rex with tiny arms who is overcoming his adversity.

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My Wife is an Entrepreneurial Genius

When I returned from dropping my wife off at the train station this morning, I opened the freezer in the hopes of grabbing some ice for a delicious glass of water.

What I found initially was one tray of still-freezing cubes and another filled with a brown frozen substance. After a moment of early morning confusion which included me wondering if she had accidentally spilled something into the tray and didn’t see it, I decided two things.

1) It was definitely coffee.

2) It was probably on purpose.

So I texted her. Here’s how that conversation went.

 photo IceCubmadness_zps38673759.jpg

We then had a longer conversation via phone because texting takes too long whereas I explained I had never seen such madness before and that her idea was a groundbreaking moneymaker for the family.

“What,” you say, “I can have iced cubes of coffee in my iced coffee?”


Genius, right?

So I’m going to let you all in on the ground floor here because I figure there is a ton of money to be made.

Think about it.

With Iced Coffee Cubes (TM) you can add coldness to your coffee and not water it down with things like water.

With Iced Coffee Cubes (TM) you can add coffee flavor to boring old water while making it cold.

Or, for the person on the go, with Iced Coffee Cubes (TM) you can just grab a pop it in you mouth when you’re running late and don’t have time to make coffee.

This is a license to print money. My wife is brilliant.

Get Don Draper on the phone.

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What I’m Into:

Reading: Dead Beat by Jim Butcher Listening to: The Heist, Macklemore Watching: Damages