Posts Tagged ‘humor

05
Aug
13

My Dog Murders Innocent Dog Toys

You try to raise them right. It’s all you can do, isn’t it?

And yet then they turn into murdering nutjobs, spreading chaos and death across the whole house.

Not the kids, I mean the dog.

Dog has claimed another victim in her never-ending fight to destroy any and all squeaking stuffed toys put in her way.

This weekend, Bacon the Pig bit the dust. Dog was working on his (her? it? I never asked) ear and finally tore it off on Friday. She then pulled stuffing out on Saturday, I can only imagine attempting to divine the future from his fluffy innards.

He was buried in the garbage Saturday night after a small candlelit ceremony which took place only in my head because come on people he was a dog toy.

Farewell porker.....

Farewell porker…..

Farewell Bacon. Enjoy that great big dog toy park in the sky.

Bacon is survived by Roadkill the Squirrel, Ferret, three dog bones, Mr. Moose and some balls.

Dog is currently sleeping on the futon in the office.

One can only assume she is merely biding her time before she strikes again.

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24
Jul
13

My Wife is an Entrepreneurial Genius

When I returned from dropping my wife off at the train station this morning, I opened the freezer in the hopes of grabbing some ice for a delicious glass of water.

What I found initially was one tray of still-freezing cubes and another filled with a brown frozen substance. After a moment of early morning confusion which included me wondering if she had accidentally spilled something into the tray and didn’t see it, I decided two things.

1) It was definitely coffee.

2) It was probably on purpose.

So I texted her. Here’s how that conversation went.

 photo IceCubmadness_zps38673759.jpg

We then had a longer conversation via phone because texting takes too long whereas I explained I had never seen such madness before and that her idea was a groundbreaking moneymaker for the family.

“What,” you say, “I can have iced cubes of coffee in my iced coffee?”

SHUT. UP.

Genius, right?

So I’m going to let you all in on the ground floor here because I figure there is a ton of money to be made.

Think about it.

With Iced Coffee Cubes (TM) you can add coldness to your coffee and not water it down with things like water.

With Iced Coffee Cubes (TM) you can add coffee flavor to boring old water while making it cold.

Or, for the person on the go, with Iced Coffee Cubes (TM) you can just grab a pop it in you mouth when you’re running late and don’t have time to make coffee.

This is a license to print money. My wife is brilliant.

Get Don Draper on the phone.

Hey, are you following Dad Moon Rising on Twitter or Facebook? Why the hell not?

23
Jul
13

My Dog is NOT A PRINCESS. Dammit.

We take Dog to the same groomer pretty much each month. As a “hair dog” (a dog with hair, not fur), she needs to grooming, especially when it’s a billion degrees and 120% humidity outside.

They do a great job with her, but we have one complaint.

They keep putting bows on her.

THIS IS NOT RIGHT

THIS IS NOT RIGHT

OUR DOG IS NOT A PRINCESS, DAMMIT.

She’s a rough and tumble pup. She wrestles, she nips, she runs and generally acts like a nutball.

She is not a “girly girl” dog who requires frilly frivolity.

She does have a bow tie, but that’s fashion. And besides, bow ties are cool.

This guy knows. (image via Forbes.com)

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Reading: Dead Beat by Jim Butcher Listening to: The Heist, Macklemore Watching: Damages
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